Beyond Butterflies: The Science of Love and Connection
In honor of February, the month of romance, let’s explore the exhilarating and transformative experience that reshapes how we view life and ourselves: the science of falling in love.
The Stages of Romantic Love
The Stages of Romantic Love
The first stage of romantic love is infatuation. For many, it can feel like they can’t eat, sleep, or stop obsessively thinking about their beloved. This overwhelming focus isn’t just emotional—our brain chemistry changes during this stage.
The heart, our symbolic organ of love, beats faster and even “flutters” at the sound of our beloved’s voice or the sight of their name on our phone screen. This heightened response is part of the remarkable chemical storm that defines the exhilarating early stages of falling in love.
From Infatuation to Attachment
The infatuation stage of love typically lasts for a few months and transitions into the attachment stage. In the attachment phase, we begin to feel more at ease with our partner as our brain's "chemical cocktail" undergoes changes.
Dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline begin stabilizing, while oxytocin and vasopressin take center stage. These hormones are key to fostering feelings of trust, safety, and bonding. Physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, and sex, triggers the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, facilitating the development of strong emotional connections over time.
This form of love mirrors other types of deep connections we experience with family, friends, and supportive networks. It explains why we naturally seek comfort from loved ones during challenging times; the release of oxytocin promotes a sense of relaxation and grounding.
The attachment stage also brings a shift in perspective toward our partner.
However, the return of prefrontal cortex activity—dulled during the infatuation stage—can sometimes bring previously overlooked issues into sharper focus, which may lead to challenges in the relationship.
Even though the intensity of hormonal activity stabilizes in the attachment stage, certain areas of the brain continue to grow and develop in response to a long-term partnership. This biological evolution is reflected in the phrase "our love has grown"—a concept that, quite literally, is rooted in neurobiology.
Neuroscience Behind Long-Term Love
Research by neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo revealed that while infatuation might feel disorienting, long-term love actually enhances cognitive function. Brain scans showed that long-term relationships activate areas like the angular gyrus, which is responsible for anticipating outcomes. Love that once felt impulsive now strengthens problem-solving and creative abilities, making us "smarter" in our emotional and relational lives (read the study here).
Another study led by neuroscience researcher Lucy Brown examined couples who had been married for an average of 21 years. Participants rated the intensity of the love and passion in their relationships before undergoing brain scans while viewing photos of their partner and others. Interestingly, there was higher activity in the ventral tegmental area (VTA) in participants that indicated higher passion score ratings. (read the study here)
Heartbreak: The Science of Loss
We’ve all experienced loss in some form, and heartbreak is one of the most profound examples. When a romantic relationship ends, the body undergoes a chemical shift that intensifies the emotional pain of loss. This pain often mirrors the depth of the love that was shared, making it a deeply personal and uniquely challenging experience.
During heartbreak, the insular cortex—responsible for processing all types of pain, physical and emotional—is activated. This is why heartbreak can feel as intense as experiencing a physical injury.
During this time you may have irrational thoughts that you “will never love again” or recover from the loss. Over time, the prefrontal cortex regains activity, helping you process the loss more logically. While the pain may linger, you’ll find yourself slowly returning to a sense of normalcy.
Healing from Heartbreak
The journey of healing from heartbreak looks different for everyone, and it takes time. However, there are effective and healthy ways to support yourself during this transformative process.
Heartbreak, though painful, offers an opportunity for growth. By prioritizing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and steering clear of unhelpful behaviors, you can move toward rediscovering joy and fulfillment in your life.
If you find it difficult to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms or feel stuck in destructive patterns, seeking professional support—whether from a therapist, support group, psychiatrist, or primary care doctor—can be a valuable step forward.
To explore more about healing through loss, check out my two-part blog series, “Leaning Into the Silence”, and download the free worksheet designed to guide you through your healing process.
The Power of Love
Common feedback I share in sessions with those grappling with breakup or infatuation angst is this:
Now you not only understand the science of falling in love but also how our love has the power to transform us in deeply meaningful ways.
I wish you well on your journey of life and love!💛💛
Cristina Chinchilla, LCSW
References
Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq092
Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11(17), 3829–3834. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001756-200011270-00046
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. NeuroImage, 21(3), 1155–1166. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2003.11.003
Cacioppo, S., Juan, E., & Monteleone, G. (2017). Predicting intentions of a familiar significant other beyond the mirror neuron system. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 11, Article 155. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2017.00155
In therapy, patients often explain their actions or decisions with phrases like, “I was stupid because I was in love.” While love may make us act impulsively, calling it “stupid” isn’t entirely accurate.
Science shows that we operate from our VTA (ventral tegmental area) when we’re newly in love. The VTA is located in one of the brain’s oldest regions, associated with reward, motivation, and survival instincts. This primitive region of the brain is also sometimes referred to as our “reptilian brain” due to it’s reflexive nature.
Our reptilian brain governs essential functions like heart rate, breathing, and fight-or-flight responses. It might explain the poetic phrase “I can’t breathe without you,” which, for some, feels real. Research has also revealed that during the infatuation stage of love, cognitive activity in the prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for critical thinking and decision-making—may decrease. This temporary shift helps explain why logic and reason sometimes take a backseat when we’re deeply in love.
Our reptilian brain governs essential functions like heart rate, breathing, and fight-or-flight responses. It might explain the poetic phrase “I can’t breathe without you,” which, for some, feels real. Research has also revealed that during the infatuation stage of love, cognitive activity in the prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for critical thinking and decision-making—may decrease. This temporary shift helps explain why logic and reason sometimes take a backseat when we’re deeply in love.
Love, after all, is one of the core elements of our existence..
At the chemical level, serotonin—the "chill" neurotransmitter that helps regulate appetite and anxiety—drops significantly. Simultaneously, hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline surge, creating a powerful cocktail of euphoria. These feel-good chemicals fuel energy, excitement, and an almost addictive focus on our partner—something no drug can replicate.
The heart, our symbolic organ of love, beats faster and even “flutters” at the sound of our beloved’s voice or the sight of their name on our phone screen. This heightened response is part of the remarkable chemical storm that defines the exhilarating early stages of falling in love.
From Infatuation to Attachment
The infatuation stage of love typically lasts for a few months and transitions into the attachment stage. In the attachment phase, we begin to feel more at ease with our partner as our brain's "chemical cocktail" undergoes changes.
Dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline begin stabilizing, while oxytocin and vasopressin take center stage. These hormones are key to fostering feelings of trust, safety, and bonding. Physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, and sex, triggers the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, facilitating the development of strong emotional connections over time.
This form of love mirrors other types of deep connections we experience with family, friends, and supportive networks. It explains why we naturally seek comfort from loved ones during challenging times; the release of oxytocin promotes a sense of relaxation and grounding.
While the hormonal mechanisms of romantic love share similarities with familial love, studies reveal notable differences in brain activity.
For instance, one study found that while the bonding and attachment hormones between lovers compared to mothers and children are similar, different brain regions are activated. Romantic love uniquely engages areas like the hippocampus and hypothalamus, which are linked to reward and emotional processing. In contrast, maternal love predominantly activates the periaqueductal gray and orbitofrontal cortex, areas associated with caregiving and empathy.
These findings highlight the unique neurobiological pathways of romantic attachment, connecting it to the brain's reward circuitry and emphasizing its distinctiveness(read the study here).
This phase offers the potential to deepen intimacy and create a healthy, sustainable connection.
However, the return of prefrontal cortex activity—dulled during the infatuation stage—can sometimes bring previously overlooked issues into sharper focus, which may lead to challenges in the relationship.
Even though the intensity of hormonal activity stabilizes in the attachment stage, certain areas of the brain continue to grow and develop in response to a long-term partnership. This biological evolution is reflected in the phrase "our love has grown"—a concept that, quite literally, is rooted in neurobiology.
Neuroscience Behind Long-Term Love
Research by neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo revealed that while infatuation might feel disorienting, long-term love actually enhances cognitive function. Brain scans showed that long-term relationships activate areas like the angular gyrus, which is responsible for anticipating outcomes. Love that once felt impulsive now strengthens problem-solving and creative abilities, making us "smarter" in our emotional and relational lives (read the study here).
This indicates that long-term relationships not only have the capacity to grow and evolve into feelings of safety and attachment but can also sustain some levels of the original passion and rewards associated with the infatuation stage .
These findings suggest that long-term love enriches both our emotional and cognitive lives. It’s not just about stability—it’s a dynamic process of connection, growth, and ongoing transformation.
Heartbreak: The Science of Loss
We’ve all experienced loss in some form, and heartbreak is one of the most profound examples. When a romantic relationship ends, the body undergoes a chemical shift that intensifies the emotional pain of loss. This pain often mirrors the depth of the love that was shared, making it a deeply personal and uniquely challenging experience.
During heartbreak, the insular cortex—responsible for processing all types of pain, physical and emotional—is activated. This is why heartbreak can feel as intense as experiencing a physical injury.
Heartbreak again, elevates activity in the ventral tegmental area (VTA), the same part of the brain that goes bananas during infatuation. This results in feelings of longing, obsessive thoughts about the beloved, and a desire to reach out or be with our lost partner.
The stress response kicks in, leading to physical symptoms like agitation, shakiness, and difficulty eating or sleeping. The hormonal changes can cause a literal feeling of pain or heaviness in the chest, as the upper heart pumps faster while the lower heart slows down—mimicking the sensation of a heart attack.
During this time you may have irrational thoughts that you “will never love again” or recover from the loss. Over time, the prefrontal cortex regains activity, helping you process the loss more logically. While the pain may linger, you’ll find yourself slowly returning to a sense of normalcy.
Healing from Heartbreak
The journey of healing from heartbreak looks different for everyone, and it takes time. However, there are effective and healthy ways to support yourself during this transformative process.
Heartbreak, though painful, offers an opportunity for growth. By prioritizing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and steering clear of unhelpful behaviors, you can move toward rediscovering joy and fulfillment in your life.
If you find it difficult to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms or feel stuck in destructive patterns, seeking professional support—whether from a therapist, support group, psychiatrist, or primary care doctor—can be a valuable step forward.
To explore more about healing through loss, check out my two-part blog series, “Leaning Into the Silence”, and download the free worksheet designed to guide you through your healing process.
The Power of Love
Common feedback I share in sessions with those grappling with breakup or infatuation angst is this:
“What is meant for you will never miss you.”
What I mean by this is to relax and trust the natural flow of love, allowing it to unfold organically instead of obsessing over outcomes. When we’re constantly “searching” for love or trying to "avoid" it out of fear of being hurt, we lose sight of its true essence.
As the science of your brain chemistry shows, love isn’t something external that we merely “give,” “receive," or "achieve." It's not a destination to be reached. Love is already wired within us! It is one of life’s greatest teachers, offering profound lessons in vulnerability, resilience, and connection.
Love is something we ALL hold within ourselves and ultimately share with others.
Whether you’re dating and discovering, basking in infatuation, building a deep attachment, or navigating the pain of a breakup, love shapes and heals us in ways we may not immediately recognize. It’s through the sharing of our love that we uncover more about our needs, boundaries, and capacity to grow.
Now you not only understand the science of falling in love but also how our love has the power to transform us in deeply meaningful ways.
I wish you well on your journey of life and love!💛💛
Cristina Chinchilla, LCSW
References
Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq092
Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11(17), 3829–3834. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001756-200011270-00046
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. NeuroImage, 21(3), 1155–1166. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2003.11.003
Cacioppo, S., Juan, E., & Monteleone, G. (2017). Predicting intentions of a familiar significant other beyond the mirror neuron system. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 11, Article 155. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2017.00155
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