Modern Dating Influences on Sex, Intimacy, and the Pursuit of Love

Exploring the intricate relationship between modern dating, sex, intimacy, and love reveals a complex and ever-evolving landscape shaped by technology, shifting societal norms, and changing personal values. While the "swipe era" has its pros and cons, the distinction between sex, love, and intimacy has become increasingly blurred. So, what’s the difference? Let’s talk about it—and how to survive the dreaded “ick” in modern dating culture.

There was a time when sex was often tied to deeper emotional or relational significance. Yet, by definition, sex has always been simply “sexual activity, including intercourse, as a means of reproduction or for pleasure.” The problem is that the word intimacy is often used interchangeably with sex, though the two are vastly different.

Intimacy is defined as “a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship with another person or group.” While both sex and intimacy are fundamental human needs, they serve different purposes. Sex ensures reproduction, while intimacy fosters connection. Intimacy can exist outside of sexual relationships—it thrives in friendships, family bonds, workplace dynamics, and community ties. It can be physical, emotional, or intellectual, reinforcing the deep human need for closeness and understanding.

Impact of Dating Apps on Sexual Attitudes

The rise of dating apps dramatically shifted how people approach relationships and intimacy. Research indicates that emerging adults who use these platforms tend to exhibit more permissive sexual attitudes—likely due to the sheer accessibility and abundance of options these apps provide. Read Study Here

When I entered my marriage, online dating wasn’t a thing yet. By the time I re-emerged into the dating scene well over a decade later, the landscape had completely transformed. To say it was an adjustment is an understatement. I once had a first date with a man who casually admitted he struggled with maintaining relationships because, at the first sign of trouble, it was just too easy to hop back on the app and swipe right. While I appreciated the insight, there was no second date. Months later, his live-in girlfriend tracked me down on social media and reached out. It took me a minute to even remember who he was—she had to send me a photo. Turns out, they had been living together for years.

Dating apps make casual encounters easier to obtain. But they also make being shady a whole lot easier, too.

Hookup Culture

The timeline from meeting someone to having sex has significantly shortened. Dating apps not only make finding your next hookup effortless, but their very structure encourages surface-level connections. When you open a dating app, the first thing you see is a photo. And look, I’m not here to argue against physical attraction. We are biologically wired to be attracted to certain things. But when a picture is the first and most prominent factor, it naturally becomes the most important thing.

If you're interested, you swipe. Then, maybe you glance at a short bio or a handful of pre-selected responses. You message back and forth (or maybe just meet up immediately), and—voilà—you’ve entered into a connection with someone you quite literally do not know.

Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Contentment

One study found that sexual satisfaction is a critical factor in overall relationship happiness among young adults. Higher levels of sexual fulfillment are strongly linked to increased relationship satisfaction, underscoring the importance of intimacy in romantic partnerships.Read Study Here

Now, to be clear—I see nothing wrong with prioritizing sexual satisfaction as a relationship need (or as a need in general). We are wired to want sex. There is no shame in that. I also see nothing wrong with casual sex if that works for you (as long as it’s ethical, honest, and consensual). But here’s where it gets interesting…

Despite these "convenient" avenues for sex, overall sexual activity has actually declined.

Relationships aren’t lasting. People are either choosing not to date at all, taking long breaks due to burnout, or opting for casual encounters—even when they really want a deeper romantic connection.

So what’s missing? If you guessed intimacy, you’re absolutely right. And what does the research tell us this all correlates with? A rise in mental health struggles, particularly anxiety and depression.

Now What?

But don’t worry—I won’t leave you hanging with just the bad news. There’s hope. And there are solutions. Let’s talk about how we can navigate this modern dating landscape in a healthier, more fulfilling way.

Once upon a time, before the swipe era, dating was a more organic process. You’d spot someone cute at your cousin’s wedding, strike up a conversation, and if there was mutual interest, one person (usually the man) would ask the other on a date. You’d date for a while, see where it led, and if things felt right, you’d enter a committed relationship.

For Gen Z readers, here’s a translation: dating used to be what we did before deciding to be exclusive. What was once called "dating" is now referred to as "talking," while "dating" has come to mean a higher level of commitment.

Since the art of building relationships outside the internet has grown rusty, many people simply don’t know how to do it anymore.

Approaching someone in person? Expressing interest face-to-face? It can feel intimidating in a world where rejection is minimized behind a phone screen. When you've got endless options at your fingertips, why risk the embarrassment of real-life rejection? But hiding behind a screen has its own drawbacks—it keeps us from forming deeper, more meaningful connections.

That said, change is brewing. Gen Z—the architects of rapid societal shifts, Goddess bless them—have started ditching dating apps in favor of some old-fashioned matchmaking. According to a New York Post article, “Matchmaking in this country has never been more popular." Adam Cohen-Aslatei, director of the Tawkify matchmaking service shared that it has “really grown pretty tremendously.”Read Article Here

It seems that, in an era of endless choices, people are craving something real.

There has also been a rise in alternative approaches to dating, such as, in person dating specific meetups like speed-dating, singles groups and direct, in-person socialization through clubs, sports, and recreational activities—in other words, actually going outside instead of relying solely on dating apps and social media for human connection.

Despite the addictive pull of social media, people are beginning to recognize the need for moderation. Many are making a conscious effort to create a more balanced social life—one that includes real-world interactions rather than being confined to digital spaces.

Although dating app usage has been on a steady decline—dropping 16 percent last year alone—and Gen Z is largely saying "thanks but no thanks" to these platforms, dating apps aren’t disappearing anytime soon. In fact, they now skew about 60 percent millennial. But the good news is that with a healthier mindset, clear boundaries, and a bit of intention, dating apps can still be used effectively.

Here Are Some Suggestions:

• Get clear on what you're looking for. If you stand for nothing, you fall for anything. Before diving in, take time to define both what you want and why you're dating right now. Are you looking for a relationship? Something casual? Marriage? Know your intentions before you start swiping.

• Take time to screen out hard no's to avoid burnout. If you’re looking for a genuine connection, spend time chatting before meeting. For those who find dating exhausting, going on too many first dates back-to-back can make it feel like a chore. Use the texting phase to screen for deal breakers—Do they want kids? Are they employed? Are their relationship goals aligned with yours? Are they over their ex? Do they share your religious beliefs (if that’s important to you)?

• I’ve had patients say, "It was just a first date—way too soon to ask if they want children." To that, I say—if children are a non-negotiable for you, that’s a conversation you should have before the first date. 
• One of my Gen Z patients told me she started telling potential partners upfront that she was dating for marriage and a time frame with which she was willing to date before proceeding to the next step. I've never been more proud. While this approach isn’t for everyone, she knew what she wanted, stated it clearly, and eliminated confusion from the start. 

• Pick a low-commitment first date. I firmly believe true chemistry can only be measured in person—not through text, phone calls, or even FaceTime. You might get a sense of attraction and humor beforehand, but real chemistry? That requires face-to-face interaction. To keep things low-pressure but flexible, opt for something neutral—coffee, a quick drink, or a casual walk. That way: If the vibe is great, you can extend the date. If it’s not, you’re not stuck in a multi-course dinner hostage situation.

• Create an authentic profile. When filling out your dating profile, be honest about who you are and what you're looking for. Avoid exaggerating or presenting an idealized version of yourself. Authenticity attracts people who genuinely align with your values and interests.

• Use photos that reflect your true self. Choose pictures that genuinely represent who you are, including ones that show you in real-life settings. A mix of solo shots, group photos (with people you trust), and candid moments can offer insight into your personality and lifestyle. Use recent pics and avoid over editing.  

• Be mindful of red flags. Trust your instincts. If someone seems overly pushy, makes you feel uncomfortable, or exhibits any behavior that doesn’t align with your values, don’t ignore it. Healthy relationships should be based on mutual respect. 

IF THEY DON’T RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES BEFORE YOU MEET THEM, THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AFTER YOU MEET THEM. 

• Don’t let rejection define you. Rejection is a normal part of the dating experience, especially in the digital space. Don’t take it personally. People’s motivations, needs, and timelines are constantly shifting, and someone’s lack of interest doesn’t reflect your worth. Frankly, the way other people show up in the world has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

• Keep safety a priority. Always prioritize your safety when meeting someone new. Meet in public places for the first few dates and let a friend or family member know where you're going. Even if the connection is just intended to be something casual, you should still spend some time getting to know who they are and suss out red flags and potential danger. This also applies to men. I often hear from my hetero and gay male patients about situations where they used a hook-up app and met someone at their home for a first meeting and it makes me a nervous wreck. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO MEN TOO and complacency actually makes you an easier target, regardless of your gender or sexuality. Avoid sharing personal information such as home address or financial details too soon. Trust your gut and don’t feel obligated to meet anyone if you feel uncomfortable.

• Be Patient. In our fast-paced world of short attention spans and instant gratification, it's easy to feel a sense of urgency—an expectation of “I need it now!” But online dating isn’t like ordering a partner off Amazon. You're always collaborating with the unknown variables of life, and that unpredictability is what makes the journey exciting. Try to let go of the urgency so you don’t force a connection that isn’t right for you—one that may ultimately lead to disappointment.

Most of all, HAVE FUN! If you are not enjoying it, don’t do it! Try another approach. I think we often can get caught up in the 'seriousness' of life and we forget to actually have fun. I know that I have been guilty of that. And let's be real-at the end of it all, none of us are getting out of here alive.

That's why it's important to remember: you don't need to sacrifice yourself in order to find love. Love is in abundance in and all around you. The key is being open to it. Many people enter the dating scene wanting a partner but are not actually open to letting one in (which brings us back to tip #1).

Closing Thought

Ultimately, the most sustainable, fulfilling relationships are rooted in a balance of love, sex, and intimacy. While sex is a beautiful part of connection, it's the intimacy—the deep, emotional, and sometimes unspoken bond—that keeps a relationship thriving longer but also more satisfying.

Here's a little parting secret, intimacy actually makes sex even better. 😉 

I wish you well on your journey of sex, love and intimacy!!

Cristina Chinchilla LCSW

References

Józefacka, N. M., Szpakiewicz, E., Lech, D., Guzowski, K., & Kania, G. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Puklek Levpušček, M., & Glavač, T. (2023). Beliefs about romantic relationships and sexual attitudes predicting romantic relationship experiences, intentions, and dating app use. The Open Psychology Journal. https://doi.org/10.2174/0118743501268052231128111338

Salo, A. (2024, May 17). Gen Z is ditching dating apps for old-fashioned matchmaking. New York Post. https://nypost.com/2024/05/17/lifestyle/gen-z-is-ditching-dating-apps-for-old-fashioned-matchmaking/