The Most Important Love Story: The One You Have With Yourself

We can’t do a Valentine’s-inspired series on love without talking about the most important relationship in your life—the one you have with YOU! Yet, this relationship is often neglected or pushed to the bottom of the priority list. And that comes with some big problems.

Of course, we’ve all heard the cliché quotes:

"Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others."
"You can’t truly love others until you love yourself."

These are great perspectives and entirely true. They’re also vague in execution. Even worse, they can sometimes serve as justifications for selfish behavior, hidden behind a flowery meme.

So, let’s cut through the fluff and talk about what real self-love looks like and how to improve your relationship with yourself

What Does Self-Love Look Like?

1. Making and Keeping Promises to Yourself

Example: Sticking to a bedtime, drinking more water, or following through on a personal project

Every time you set a goal and follow through, you build self-worth, confidence, and self-respect—no matter how small the accomplishment may seem.

2. Taking Care of Your Body

When you love yourself, it shows in subtle but powerful ways. You’ll naturally do kinder things for your body, like: 

• Eating good foods 
• Exercising regularly 
• Prioritizing sleep and rest
• Maintaining a hygiene and skincare routine

Your outward appearance is a reflection of what’s going on inside.

Each time you engage in kind, healthy, and loving actions toward yourself, you're training your brain to recognize your inherent worth. This approach is sometimes referred to as "acting as if."

In therapeutic settings, I often suggest asking yourself, "What would someone who loves and approves of themselves do in this situation?" or "What would someone who values themselves do right now?"

By following through with these actions, you begin to rewire your self-perception, fostering genuine self-love and reinforcing positive behaviors.

3. Being Mindful of How You Speak to Yourself

Most of us talk to ourselves in ways we would never speak to others—even people we dislike.

Think about it:

Would you shame a friend for making a mistake? Would you mock a child for being nervous? No? So why do we do it to ourselves?

Negative self-talk is like mental poison, filled with: 

• Judgment
• Self-loathing
• Fear of failure
• Harsh criticism over past mistakes

It’s also very… (and I hate using this word, but I’ll say it) "normal."

The Fix: Reframe Your Thoughts

Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, challenge and reframe your inner dialogue.

“I can’t believe I did that. I’m so humiliated. Everyone probably thinks I’m an idiot.”

🠋

“Okay, I said something off the cuff at that party, and it didn’t land well. But my spunky personality is part of my charm. Not everyone needs to like me, and the right people will appreciate me for who I am.”

This approach acknowledges your feelings, but balances them with a kinder, more realistic perspective.

4. Who You Surround Yourself With Matters

Your tribe reflects your vibe.

Before we dive into this, I want to preface it by saying I believe all people have value—and I personally love having a unique and eclectic social circle. With that said, the people you prioritize in your life should align with the person you are, the person you want to be, and the person you are becoming.

If you're determined to level up in your career, the people you spend your time with should reflect that. If you have relationship goals, your partner should reflect that. If you want a positive and healthy support system, your inner circle should reflect that. If you're on a spiritual or religious journey, your community should reflect that. And if you're living an unhealthy lifestyle well—your circle will reflect that, too.

Remember: the outside is always a reflection of the inside.

This isn’t about cutting people out of your life in a harsh way. If you simply focus on  being intentional with who gets your energy and influences your mindset, The rest will sort itself out fairly naturally. 

Surround yourself with people who encourage your growth, not those who keep you stuck in old patterns.

5. Boundaries: A Reflection of Your Self-Worth

Your boundaries are a dead giveaway of how you feel about yourself.  If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you might be tired of hearing about boundaries—but I’m going to say it again for the ones in the back.

Every time you say "yes" when you need to say "no," you dishonor yourself.

Every time you hold back instead of saying how you truly feel, you reinforce that pesky little voice in your head that whispers, "I am not worthy" and "I don’t deserve to take up space."

Every time you deny your needs, you are denying yourself love.

When you respect yourself enough to set and enforce boundaries, you’re telling yourself:

"I matter. My needs matter. My voice matters."

And that, my friends, is real self-love.

Final Thought: Self-Love is an Ongoing Practice

Self-love isn’t about perfection—it’s about commitment. It’s about showing up for yourself consistently in the way you treat your body, set boundaries, follow through on your goals, and speak to yourself.

Your relationship with self-love will ebb and flow, just like life itself. Some days, it will feel effortless, and others, it might feel like an uphill battle. We all have rough patches and times when life pummels us, when exhaustion takes over, and when prioritizing ourselves feels impossible.

And you know what? That’s okay!

Self-love isn’t about never slipping up; it’s about recognizing when you have and gently guiding yourself back. The moment you realize you’ve been neglecting yourself, you have the power to course-correct.

Remind yourself of your potential, your gifts to yourself and the world, your worthiness, and most of all—how deeply you love and value yourself.

Because at the end of the day, the longest, most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with YOU!

To further support your journey towards self-love, I've created a comprehensive worksheet designed to help you reflect and grow. This resource offers practical exercises to deepen your self-awareness and strengthen your self-worth.

Download Worksheet Here

I encourage you to set aside some quiet time to work through this worksheet. Reflect on each section and remember, the journey to self-love is ongoing. Feel free to share your insights or reach out with any questions as you progress.

I wish you well on your self-love journey!! 

XOXOXO

Cristina Chinchilla, LCSW